Forgiveness v. Compassion
I have been wrestling lately with the idea of compassion and forgiveness. Are they indeed two different things? Does one come before the other? Can you forgive without compassion? Can you have compassion for someone but not forgive them?
I read some place, “there is no difference between compassion and forgiveness. Both share an attitude of unconditional acceptance for a situation or person as they are.” (I think this was on some Pathway to Happiness website – don’t ask questions, I google a lot.) I am not sure I completely agree with this quote. In fact I had a friend who treated me pretty badly and made me very angry-which in the interest of anonymousness I want talk about what happened. However, I was recently discussing the situation with another friend. He listened very intently and finally said, “Katie do you realize you have a lot of compassion for this person?” I thought a moment and realized that yes, on some level I do have compassion for this person. I recognize things in their past have combined to cause their behavior and although that does not explain everything or make their behavior okay, it does make me feel sorry for them and genuinely hope that they are able to change. Yet, I haven’t forgiven the person, and I still get angry thinking about the whole thing.
Now I know that many of you are thinking – “Katie, the Bible says that you should forgive.” Well, for the record, I know the Bible instructs us to forgive, in many places. I am currently reading Colossians 3:13-14 which says, “Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” (The Message) I get it, but I haven’t forgiven yet.
Webster’s defines compassion as - "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." Applying that definition to this situation, I do feel sorrow for this friend, but my desire is for God to alleviate their suffering – not so much me, myself. I am not sure what Webster’s is trying to suggest, you must want to alleviate their sorrow in order to have compassion? I guess according to Webster’s I may not actually feel compassion, but let’s just assume I do. How is it that I can have compassion and I can’t forgive? For whatever reason, I think maybe some of you may be in the same boat. Maybe you are angry at a family member, or significant other, or old significant other, or friend, or co-worker, and forgiveness just hasn't been that easy for you. I read this in an article today:
Man is the only animal that sins; he is also the only animal vested with the capacity to forgive. True forgiveness, unburdens the forgiver. It comes as a relief; it expands one’s horizons. Forgiveness then moves a step ahead – moves to compassion. Nature is naturally presided over by the law of compassion: The clouds when full with water, pours down unconditionally, and with a feeling of gratitude towards the earth as its reliever and for its being a recipient of its burden; likewise, true compassion frees you, relieves you of a burden on your chest, makes you come to peace with yourself.
- Bhasker Banerjee
According to Banerjee we forgive first and find compassion later – I am not sure I agree with that line of thought. However, maybe Banerjee is right in one respect – maybe we are scared to, "have relief and expand our horizons". Holding on to the hurt and anger protects us from the unknown – the unknown of finally forgiving. What happens if I forgive? Will it restore the friendship? Doubt it. What happens if you forgive? Will it completely change your world?
I wonder if holding on to forgiveness and not letting go is just an excuse for our fear. Yet, even when we are really angry, why does compassion come creeping back in? Part of me wonders whether this compassion is God. I wonder if God is helping me have compassion for this person in order to make room enough in my heart and my brain to even consider forgiveness. And maybe compassion is just God letting us know that he will be waiting on the other side of forgiveness, and a promise that what he has in store, we can't even imagine.
I read some place, “there is no difference between compassion and forgiveness. Both share an attitude of unconditional acceptance for a situation or person as they are.” (I think this was on some Pathway to Happiness website – don’t ask questions, I google a lot.) I am not sure I completely agree with this quote. In fact I had a friend who treated me pretty badly and made me very angry-which in the interest of anonymousness I want talk about what happened. However, I was recently discussing the situation with another friend. He listened very intently and finally said, “Katie do you realize you have a lot of compassion for this person?” I thought a moment and realized that yes, on some level I do have compassion for this person. I recognize things in their past have combined to cause their behavior and although that does not explain everything or make their behavior okay, it does make me feel sorry for them and genuinely hope that they are able to change. Yet, I haven’t forgiven the person, and I still get angry thinking about the whole thing.
Now I know that many of you are thinking – “Katie, the Bible says that you should forgive.” Well, for the record, I know the Bible instructs us to forgive, in many places. I am currently reading Colossians 3:13-14 which says, “Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” (The Message) I get it, but I haven’t forgiven yet.
Webster’s defines compassion as - "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." Applying that definition to this situation, I do feel sorrow for this friend, but my desire is for God to alleviate their suffering – not so much me, myself. I am not sure what Webster’s is trying to suggest, you must want to alleviate their sorrow in order to have compassion? I guess according to Webster’s I may not actually feel compassion, but let’s just assume I do. How is it that I can have compassion and I can’t forgive? For whatever reason, I think maybe some of you may be in the same boat. Maybe you are angry at a family member, or significant other, or old significant other, or friend, or co-worker, and forgiveness just hasn't been that easy for you. I read this in an article today:
Man is the only animal that sins; he is also the only animal vested with the capacity to forgive. True forgiveness, unburdens the forgiver. It comes as a relief; it expands one’s horizons. Forgiveness then moves a step ahead – moves to compassion. Nature is naturally presided over by the law of compassion: The clouds when full with water, pours down unconditionally, and with a feeling of gratitude towards the earth as its reliever and for its being a recipient of its burden; likewise, true compassion frees you, relieves you of a burden on your chest, makes you come to peace with yourself.
- Bhasker Banerjee
According to Banerjee we forgive first and find compassion later – I am not sure I agree with that line of thought. However, maybe Banerjee is right in one respect – maybe we are scared to, "have relief and expand our horizons". Holding on to the hurt and anger protects us from the unknown – the unknown of finally forgiving. What happens if I forgive? Will it restore the friendship? Doubt it. What happens if you forgive? Will it completely change your world?
I wonder if holding on to forgiveness and not letting go is just an excuse for our fear. Yet, even when we are really angry, why does compassion come creeping back in? Part of me wonders whether this compassion is God. I wonder if God is helping me have compassion for this person in order to make room enough in my heart and my brain to even consider forgiveness. And maybe compassion is just God letting us know that he will be waiting on the other side of forgiveness, and a promise that what he has in store, we can't even imagine.
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