Disappointment?

I have had a lot of disappointments lately. Well, let me put that another way - in my mind and in the limited vision I have of my life, I have had a lot of disappointments lately. The biggest of which was a job I didn't get. I interviewed several times, with different people, for a period of six months. I gave them opportunity after opportunity to say "we just don't want to hire you." And every time I would give up and think, "I am never going to hear from them again" - then they would email and say, "we haven't forgotten about you, we are creating this division or splitting that division and we want to interview you for this position." i.e. stringing me along, keeping me on the hook. Finally, in the last week or so, I got an email that said "although we think you are great, we have hired someone else. It was all about finding the right fit. Please stay in touch." Stinks. Part of why I am getting ready to say, "Adios Mississippi!"

I don't think I am the only person who is dealing with disappointment these days. The economy is bad (be thankful for the job you have), McDonald's is selling lattes (blows my mind, and no one at Starbucks ever asked me "want an extra shot?"), and then there is this swine flu thing (I never knew hogs got the flu). I woke up this morning and wondered "what is this world coming to?" I didn't just write that to be funny, I really did think that. Honestly. I babysat last night and I had to take the kids to school this morning. Of course, they get themselves up and dressed and their lunch packed. All I have to do is - drive them to school. What did I do? I got up late. So, I got her to school on time, but he missed the bus that takes him to the elementary school. Luckily, I was headed in the direction of the elementary school and he made it on time!

However, during this entire ordeal I kept thinking - all my friends are having babies (two more are preggers) and I am babysitting. Worse yet, I can't even get the kids I am babysitting to school on time. One of my friends called after I dropped him off this morning and I said, "I am not cut out for motherhood" but she assured me that I have a five year learning curve before the entire "school" thing starts. Yet, she is PTA or PTO, what is the difference, president. You know what that says in mind "committee work". Work at a church and you will learn to loathe committees. I read yesterday "God so loved the world that he did NOT send a committee." I just can't handle car pool lines and PTO or A. I really may not be cut out for this.

It is a wonder this friend hasn't limited the time I spend with her kids. The week before Easter her youngest son said "Miss Katie, how do I get the Easter Bunny to come to my house when it isn't Easter." I said, "well, what do you need to talk to the Easter Bunny about?" He said, "I made him thank you cards and I want to give them to him, and my brother made him a game." Thinking I was really smart, I said, "I know the Easter Bunny, just give them to me and I will give them to him." He went and got his stuff and brought it back and said "can I go with you to talk to the Easter Bunny?" At this point I think, uh oh, I said "no, he is shy." He said, "Well then how is he your friend?" I said, "well, I was born on Maundy Thursday, which is during Holy Week when the Easter Bunny comes, and he likes people born during that week." Since then he has been asking everyone if they were born on "muddy thursday." I am not the best of influences.

Keeping all of this in mind - I read a daily devotional in the Episcopal Forward Day by Day, which I love, that has just kept me coming back to read it again and again. I don't know the writer, but he or she said that it took a long time to learn these words, but they are quite powerful:

God will work it out. Or God will work me out. Or both. I just want to quote for you part of it: Sometimes God rearranges external circumstances. A difficult situation is resolved. Sometimes God rearranges us instead. A situation does not change for the better, but we do. Sometimes God does both. But regardless of how God chooses to act, God does act to save.

I would be a liar if I didn't say that I have times in which I didn't believe any of that. For the last year or ten months I have been waiting for God to act. There is a faction of people who think that God is acting and because I missed my calling, he is trying to show me the way. It is hard to deny it when random parishioners walk up to me and suggest the same thing. My boss said - "you know God uses people to speak to us these days."

I am definitely trying to discern all of that. But my point to you guys is that maybe all of the disappointment I feel is just God's way of acting. Maybe what we see through human eyes as "disappointment" is really God's hand in our lives. I am sure some of you are thinking - yeah, but does God want us to be disappointed and sad etc. And I don't think God wants us to be sad and disappointed, but he might choose not to change a situation in order for us to have experiences that change us - for the better. I truly believe God loves and God chooses to act in love, it just takes us trusting his love to get beyond what our human eyes can see. Does this mean that disappointment should be easy? Nope, take it from me it doesn't feel "good" but I just have to trust that "good" things are right around the corner...